my daugher saved my life..

I don't know what I would do or where I would be without my little girl mackenzie alyzabeth..she saved my life.

Being pregnant with her was the most amazing experience..feeling her little movements and kicks, were the moments that I not only lived for but that I cherished the most.  Its amazing how fast that the time seems to go by, especially throughout the pregnancy, it was like only yesterday i found out that i was expecting. Pregnancy has had its share of ups and downs, but thats what has made it so exciting for us. Knowing that we have that miracle that we created and it made it through the tough times when they told us we had lost her, and she pulled through it all even when we had lost the other. I do sometimes think about that, the fact that we had originally had 2 and it gets me down because, my body couldnt handle it. But i remember what I have, and how much of a miracle mackenzie is to me in my life. I have learned that you cannot dwell on what you have lost, for you are missing everything great that is going on now in the present.
Not only was my little girl the greatest gift to me, but she is my hero, and saved my life.  About a month after she was born I was having some problems breathing, swallowing, and was constantly so tired.  I felt like a horrible mother because, I had a beautiful little girl who needed me the most and I wasn't able to do everything 100%.  About a week later I had gone to the doctors to get some tests done, and heard the words no person would want to hear.. "cancer''.  I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of thyroid cancer, and I needed to start having surgery and my first round of electro iodine radiation treatment.  However, because Mackenzie was so young I waited about a 2 months so I could not only breastfeed, but pump enough to preserve that way she would get the nurtrients that she needed.
Being diagnosed with cancer, is one of the hardest thing any person endures, the treatments, the physical, emotional, and mental toll wears on you more than anything. You constantly look for the little things to take your mind off it in hopes that its just a dream and you'll wake up and be ok..but then reality hits you all over again.  Sometimes I wish this never happened to me, I mean who doesn't. But the cancer not only has made me a better person/mother because I cherish the little things, and I no longer take life for granted, but it has made me stronger person, and has given me this bond with my little girl that no one can understand.  She is my hero, she saved my life and with that I owe her the world, and pray nothing like this ever happens to her.

always remembered, never forgotten

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you.You’re in my head and in my
heart;You’re in everything I do.I never will forget the day the
doctor told thenews,“You lost your baby; I’m sorry,There’s 
nothing we can do.”How could it be possible you were no longerthere?I
was supposed to be your Mommy,Didn’t anybody care?
    
    almost 4 years ago, i was lying in the hospital..falling fast not realizing what had become of my health and the surroundings around me. I was so afraid i wouldnt be here to watch my little girl mackenzie grow up, let alone be here for the one still inside me, if we would both make it. I love my children more than life itself, one thing i always wanted is to be there and watch them grow.  Its something my mother missed out on , and I didnt want to follow in her foot steps. I want to give the world and more to them, because to me children are miracles. they teach and show us things that we may have never known before in life. They show us another piece of us that we may have not discovered if it wasnt for them.
 the doctors came and told me there was no other choice it was either my life or my babys.  So what does a woman choose to be here for her child that is already living or not be here for both children to witness their lives. I couldnt choose, i begged for alittle while longer to see if my health would turn but they wouldnt listen..so they chose for me.  On mothers day 2009, they wheeled me into the o.r. room and began to rip my child from me, apart of me that would never be the same. they say id get over it and i wouldnt remember much. Im sorry but how and the hell does someone get over the fact of their child being taken from them, murdered in a sense and theres nothing that you can do.  You remember the rest of your life, its haunts you, not only do they take your child, but they take a part of your heart , your soul, and your being as well. Nothing is ever the same after than.

I feel horrible when i look to my little girl, because not only did they take away her sibling, but a piece of her as well. she will never know the full extent but she will know her sibling is in heaven watching over her. I miss you my angel..

 IN MEMORY of all babies born sleeping or whom we have carried, but never met, or held in our arms. Make this your profile status if you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby. The majority won't do it, because unlike cancer, baby loss is still a taboo subject. Break the silence, In Memory of all Angel Babies, gone too soon, but never forgotten...